What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 05:33
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What are LGBT+ people tired of hearing?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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My life is so biszare .
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She wouldn,t have been !
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was scared of men, in general
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My family never makes their pension either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I waited trembling.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We all went to grammer schools
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
She loved him until the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is soul school!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)